How to Help Your Child Have Strong Self-Esteem

In my practice, I often work with parents aiding them with the skills necessary to build their children's self esteem. Here is a list of ways to convey the message “You are worthwhile” to your children. This list could fill a hundred newsletters, since the ways to raise responsible, happy children are limited only by our imaginations. Here are some places to begin.

• Tell her on a regular basis that you love her. Actually say the words. If you think, “I don’t have to tell her. She knows,” you are wrong. It doesn’t count if you think it but don’t say it out loud.
• Tell him that you are glad he is your child. Say the words and mean them. If you don’t feel it, there is something wrong and you should find out what’s going on. We all have moments when we have a hard time getting in touch with our positive feelings for our children. I’m not talking about those times. I’m talking about in general, most of the time, if you’re not feeling good about being your child’s parent, something is wrong. He will never feel good about himself if he senses that you are not connected to him.
• Give her an example to follow. Take the time to teach her the steps. Kids need models. It’s unfair to expect that she will know what to do in her daily life if you haven’t shown her how to do it.
• Spend time with him. If you are absent most of the time, he notices, and he probably thinks it’s because he isn’t important enough.
• Look at her when you speak to her. This conveys, “This is important and you are important.”
• Look at him when he speaks to you. This conveys, “What you are saying is important. You are important.”
• Explain why. It takes more time, but it conveys that she is important enough to spend the time helping her understand. When you explain why, you are also saying, “I understand that you need to know why. I am going to help you meet your needs.”
• When he tells you about something that happened, ask him how he feels about it. Take the time to listen to his answer.
• When you ask a question, encourage her to elaborate. Say, “Tell me more about that,” or ask, “What was that like?”
• When you ask a question, don’t interrupt when she is answering.
• When you ask a question, watch your responses. Don’t disagree or criticize his answer. This teaches him that it isn’t safe to be candid and will make him edit what he tells you.
• Take her seriously.
• Participate in the driving. The kids whose parents never help with the driving feel bad about themselves.
• Say no when you need to say no. Kids need to know there are limits and that some things are outside of those limits.
• When you say no, explain why.
• When you say yes, explain why.
• Set a positive example with your own behavior. You can only expect her to behave with dignity and self- respect if she sees you doing it.
• When you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize. Say that you are sorry, be specific about what you are sorry for, and give him a chance to respond.
• When you know that you have disappointed him, acknowledge it. Ask him how he feels about it.
• Spend time alone with her. Arrange activities for just the two of you.
• Ask him what he would like to do.
• Give her a private space where she can express herself.
• Respect his privacy.
• If he did a good job on something, say so.
• If she didn’t do such a good job on something, point out what she did well.
• After a disappointment or failure, ask, “What did you learn from the experience?”
• When you are giving feedback, describe specific behavior. For example, “I like how you asked the question so politely” or “You still need to pick up the towels off the floor.”
• When there is a problem, focus on the issue, not the child. For example, “You didn’t do the last ten problems on this assignment” is more constructive than “You never finish anything.”
• Ask what he thinks.
• Let her be the one to choose the restaurant, movie, or activity some of the time.
• Ask him to go with you on routine errands just because you want to spend some time with him.
• Touch her arm or shoulder when you talk to her.
• Give him a hug at least every few days.
• Go in and say goodnight before she goes to sleep. (This is easy to forget once they become teenagers.)
• Look up and smile when he walks into the room.
• Introduce yourself when she is with a new friend.
• Ask her to tell you about the book she is reading or the movie she just saw.
• Review child development literature regularly to stay updated on what is normal at each age and stage. It is important to recheck your standards and expectations to be sure they are realistic for the child’s age and individual abilities.
• Look for ways to maintain your own self-esteem. If you are unhappy, discontent, or disappointed in how your life is turning out, it will be difficult for you to build the self-esteem of your children.
• Every child needs to be the object of a parent’s undivided attention on a regular basis.
• Make certain that your body language matches your words. If they are out of synch, he will be aware of it.
• Be yourself. Tell the truth.
• Be appropriate. You don’t have to say everything that is on your mind or tell him things he isn’t ready to know.
• If you show that you accept yourself and your actions, you give permission to her to do the same. 

Keep Kids Excited About Their Chores

Every parent knows the feeling of possibility when they set up a new chore program and the kids get to work. The first days and weeks of a new routine are wonderful: chores get done, kids don't grumble, the household comes together smoothly. More often than not, though, even the best chore programs lose their punch and kids get tired of them. Here are three surefire ways to keep your chore chart exciting and motivational, so that reminding your kids to do their chores doesn't become one of yours.

1. Make the Chart Together

If your kids are involved in the chore program process from the very beginning, they'll be more excited. They will know everything involved right from the get-go, and they'll also feel more powerful and responsible over their own duties and schedule. Consult on chores together, pick rewards and outline consequences with your kids. They'll feel more ownership over their new routine as a result.

2. Create Consequences

To lend your new chore chart maximum impact, make sure there are consequences. There should be a built-in consequence for not doing chores, like the loss of a favorite privilege, but there should also be a reward for staying on top of tasks. Don't forget, reward can be a great motivator. Just make sure you pick a reward that you feel comfortable giving time after time. Rewarding kids at the beginning of a chore program but stopping the practice later won't keep them excited. Great reward ideas: movie outings, allowance, picking one chore a week to skip.

3. Mix It Up

Routine breeds complacency, especially the kind of household routine that kids would rather skip. Instead of dropping a perfectly good and reasonable chore program once interest in it wanes, don't give up quite so easily. Change up your chore chart by shuffling tasks around from child to child, switching the days you expect the tasks to get done and introducing new tasks as your child's level of responsibility grows. Make sure you don't overwhelm your kids: don't introduce five new tasks without taking any away. And, just as you did when you first created your chore charts, include your kids in the process and they'll get that excited feeling all over again.

Find this chart and more here. 

Stress Management

Stress management is a decision-making process. When we are feeling the effects of a stressful life position or a stressful lifestyle, we have three major ways we can deal with that stress.

Alter it...

• Alter implies removing the source of stress by changing something.
• Problem-solving, direct communication, organizing, planning and time management are common techniques for altering stress.

Avoid it...

• This implies removing one self from the stressful situation or figuring out how not to get there in the first place!
• To conserve stress energy, people sometimes need to walk away, let go, say “no”, delegate, withdraw and know their limits so they can “live to fight another day.”

Accept it...

• Involves equipping one self physically and mentally for stress.

(a) Build a resistance- People can increase their tolerance for stress

1. Physically – proper diet, exercise, relaxation techniques

2. Mental – positive affirmation, take time for mental health, establish clear goals/values/priorities

3. Spiritual – meditation, prayer, worship, faith and commitment

4. Social – building & maintaining support systems, invest in relationships, clear communication and intimacy

(b) Change your perception- Change the way you perceive the situation or yourself.

1. Change unrealistic expectations, irrational beliefs
2. Should’s, ought-to’s, it would be awful if...
3. Redefine the situation in less provoking way
4. Play “ain’t it funny or grand” rather than “ain’t it awful” (5) Cultivate positive attitude
5. Build Self-esteem 

Read about the 20 Effects of Stress on the Body. 

Letting Go In Order To Move Forward

Sometimes in order to live a happier, healthier life, it is important to recognize that holding on to unhealthy habits and ways of thinking can be self-defeating. We end up with too much stress, worry, and unnecessary control. Here is a list of eight things to let go of in order to have more peace and happiness. 

1.    Let go of your need to always be right

So often, relationship problems stem from the need to be right. Have you ever gotten caught up in the heat of an argument and been driven to prove your point rather than hear the other person’s perspective? Very rarely is there a black and white version of right and wrong. Our perceptions shape our reality and there can often be more than one right way to do or view something. Be willing to hear someone else’s perspective. Always being right can be a rather lonely place. While admitting we are wrong may be an extremely uncomfortable and humbling experience, when we weigh the risk of ending important relationships or inflicting unnecessary pain for our self and others – it’s just not worth it. The next time you feel the need to be right, ask yourself, “would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?” Is your pride really that important?

2.    Let go of your self-defeating talk

This means putting yourself down or convincing yourself not to try something because you wont succeed. Yes, even thinking that other people are thinking negatively of you. Pay attention to what you tell yourself. You might be holding yourself back by imagining you aren’t good enough or you aren’t smart enough. It’s normal to doubt ourselves from time to time, but when we become overwhelmed with negative self-talk, it becomes our reality and we sabotage our efforts. This serves no other purpose other than to bring us down.

3.    Let go of your fears

Holding on to our fears can be paralyzing. Imagining terrible outcomes or even worse, reliving past tragedies. When we allow fear to take over, we destroy the ability to discover solutions to our problems. Believe that you have the power to make changes. Just like Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”

4.    Let go of your excuses

We use them all the time. People use them on us. It gets old and we see right through them. So isn’t about time we stop? This doesn’t mean saying yes to everyone and everything we encounter, but it does mean we become accountable. It means being proactive and responsible for our body, mind, and spirit. No slacking!

5.    Let go of other people’s expectations

Way too many people are living their lives according to someone else’s version of what is best for them - it might be their girlfriend, boss, husband, even the media – all at the expense of their own authenticity. We worry so much about trying to please everyone else (an impossible task), we become miserable. We forget about our passions, what gives us excitement, and what we truly need for happiness and peace. Take time to figure out what your values are, why you believe the things you stand for, and the reason for your actions. It might sound pretty philosophical, but sometimes we get stuck in ruts following the crowd.

6.    Let go of your need for control

First of all, it is important to understand there is a difference between seeking a ‘sense of control’ and pursuing control in an effort to obtain power. Most people desire a ‘sense of control’. We gain a feeling of security knowing how things work, understanding that people (including ourselves) and things are consistent, and having the ability to predict what will happen next. Unfortunately, the desire for a sense of control can easily become out of hand when we force our own ways of doing or seeing things onto other people. Being controlling not only impacts our own well-being but also the well-being of those around us. Letting go of unhealthy control doesn’t mean leaving things to chance. It means allowing ourselves to be supported and trusting that things are going to be ok. This leaves room for us to have more freedom, energy, creativity, connection, love and peace with those around us.

 7.    Let go of blame

Blame is a victim mindset, not an empowered one. We end up blaming our past, our loved ones, the economy, genetics, busy schedules; the list could go on forever. And usually, the harshest blame we reserve for ourselves. Unfortunately, blame usually allows us to avoid being proactive instead of dealing with the issues head on. Letting go of blame allows us to be free from letting circumstances dictate our experiences.  

8.     Let go of living in the past

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with reminiscing happy memories. But when it keeps us from living in the present or blurs our vision for the future, we risk enjoying life to the fullest. A story is told of a bird who is locked in a cage and learns there is nothing it can do to get free. Then one day, the door is accidently left open, but the bird, even though it could escape, doesn’t. It is responding to its old circumstances. This is called ‘learned helplessness’. When we get stuck living in the past, acting as if we are powerless, we are only handicapping ourselves. Drawing conclusions about our experiences can be helpful, but when we form overly negative or distorted assumptions about our abilities we limit the possibility for happiness, well-being, and peace of mind. 

Where is Your Motivation?

Today, I attended a continuing education course on 'Calming and Overactive Brain'. It was a thoughtful presentation on the effects of stress, lack of sleep, and unhealthy thinking/behavior patterns. The speaker emphasized the importance of healthy goals, expectations, and priorities. If you are anything like me, it is easy to get flip-flopped from time to time. Here were some great take-aways from the course today:

• Get Quality Sleep - at least 8 hours. 
• Manage Your Stress - Did you know that 92% of people believe stress negatively impacts health, but only 31% believe stress negatively affects their health!
• Eat Healthy Food - Our diet affects our overall brain and body functioning. 
• Practice Mindfulness and Self Control - Allow yourself to be still for at least 15 minutes a day. Be aware of your beliefs, feelings, and behaviors. It's hard to change what you are not aware of!
• Think Positively - Keep a Gratitude Journal and write three things you are grateful for each day. Disengage from negative, unhelpful thinking.

Infidelity Exposed

I am sure by now, most of us have heard about the recent hack of the Ashley Madison database. Ashley Madison, a website created for married people looking to have an affair, has nearly 40 million users. With a membership that large, it is likely that someone you know has accessed the site. But what if you have been a victim of an affair. Do you reconcile? Do you call it quits? Finding out your husband or wife has cheated on you is undoubtably emotionally devastating. It takes lots of time and work to move through this difficult time.

Understanding why an affair happened can be an essential part to growth and prevention of future infidelity. Let's take a look at some of the downfalls of most marriages. 

LACK OF COMMITMENT

Romance begins to dwindle and so can commitment. Marriage takes a deep and sincere commitment to ride out the storms and make it work, even when the other person fails to be all of who we want them to be. If you aren't committed for the long haul -- for the "good times and bad," "richer or poorer," "in sickness and in health" -- then your marriage will likely suffer. 

DISHONESTY

Honesty is one of the most essential components to a healthy relationship. Partners need to be willing to share their true thoughts and feelings with one another. It can be intimidating, embarrassing, and even scary, but when you are able to share yourself candidly, it can provide some of the most rewarding experiences. 

RESENTMENT

We've all been guilty of holding a grudge every now and then, but what happens when frustration builds and builds. A seed of resentment can destroy and degrade any marriage. Be quick to forgive and aim for understanding. 

LACK OF COMMUNICATION

Communication is an essential component of a healthy relationship. Its important to communicate well and often. Remember, body language accounts for nearly 75% of communication. Blocked communication, hostile communication, or passive a aggressive communication is very dangerous. For tips on better communication, click here. 

SELFISHNESS 

It's natural to want our own way, but when this gets out of control, selfishness can lead to a lack of empathy and support. 

If you would like to seek counseling for infidelity, there is not a better time to make an appointment for an initial consultation. You can come with your spouse or alone. Beginning the step towards a healthier relationship starts from within. 

Different Parenting Styles

I recently had the opportunity to do an interview for The Sparrow's Nest Maternity Home. Their mission is to provide a Christ-centered shelter and to educate homeless, pregnant and parenting young women by providing a wide range of services that empower them to make positive and healthy life decisions for themselves and their babies.

Emma Pursley, conducted the interview in part, to learn more about the effect different parenting styles have on the lives of their children and teen mothers. Below are some of the questions and my response: 

What do you specialize in?

Depression, Anxiety, Family Relationships

Roughly how many families have you worked with?

300

Have you worked with any teen moms? If so, how many?

Yes; 50

When a parent sees their child making bad decisions, how do they normally react? How do you think they should react?

Generally, the clients with whom I have worked are interested in/open to making better parenting decisions. When they see their child making a decision they perceive as 'bad', they attempt to discipline, or discuss alternatives to the situation. Unfortunately, a big problem I observe, is often, parents are not recognizing certain behaviors as 'bad'. Especially when children are young, negative behavior can be seen as ‘cute’. Little problems perpetuate bigger problems. It is only at the point when something drastic happens, such as a child's truancy at school or run-ins with the law, does the parent realize smaller issues led up to a ‘bad' decision.

What are some communication tools parents could use to help talk to their teenagers more?

Active listening. Practice really hearing what the child is attempting to say. Pay attention to things like body language. Use the child’s name when talking with them. Occasionally, touch the child on the arm or shoulder when talking with the child. Make eye contact. Use affirming language. Repeat back to the child what you understand them to be saying. Let them know they will not get in trouble for opening up. Make sure to be polite, saying things like, “please and thank you”. Never use harsh language. Control your temper. Do not feed into a child’s bad behavior. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Do not use threats.

What do you think the biggest problem is in families today? How do you think that could be fixed?  

One of the biggest problems I observe in families today is parents not spending quality time with their children. I am not talking about parents who work out of the home full-time. I am talking about families who are not maximizing the time they DO spend with each other. So often, tired parents leave their children to their own devices; to be babysat by the TV or iPad. Parents aren’t taking the time to sit down at meal-time and really communicate with their child. Parents MUST spend one-on-one time with their child: playing, helping with homework, practicing an instrument or sports, and reading to them. Parents also need to understand that the relationship they have with the other parent is vitally important. It is impossible to think that a child will learn love, respect and positive social skills if they are constantly exposed to disrespect and negativity between ‘mom and dad’. Even if mom and dad do not live together, they must try to work out a way of relating positively with their co-parent.

The Pros and Cons of Using Insurance for Therapy

Carefully consider the advantages and disadvantages of using insurance for counseling. Many who have insurance assume that they must use it, but such is not the case. When it comes to mental health, there are some additional facts that you may have not considered. To use insurance for counseling, you must have a diagnosis of a mental health disorder. (If you are seeking couple’s counseling, one of you must have a diagnosis.) This becomes part of your permanent medical record and may affect your premiums on future life and health insurance plans and programs. For this reason, many persons elect to pay out-of-pocket. Self-pay is the only way to insure confidentiality.

Many providers, myself included, elect to NOT to be on insurance panels. This is because many of my referrals come from past clients, pastors, colleagues and physicians. I believe strongly in confidentiality and a client’s decision to choose the therapist best for his or her particular concern(s).

If your plan provides out-of-network benefits and you want to use insurance, I am an 'out-of-network provider'. This means I work for you and not your insurance provider.  Payment is still expected at each session, but I will be happy to provide a diagnostic receipt for you to submit to your provider. You may then receive partial reimbursement for counseling after meeting your insurance deductible. You’ll want to make sure you ask questions of your company and thoroughly understand the provisions of your particular mental health plan.

15 Common Cognitive Distortions

What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves. 

For instance, a person might tell themselves, “I always fail when I try to do something new; I therefore fail at everything I try.” This is an example of “black or white” (or polarized) thinking. The person is only seeing things in absolutes — that if they fail at one thing, they must fail at all things. If they added, “I must be a complete loser and failure” to their thinking, that would also be an example of overgeneralization — taking a failure at one specific task and generalizing it their very self and identity.

Cognitive distortions are at the core of what many cognitive-behavioral and other kinds of therapists try and help a person learn to change in psychotherapy. By learning to correctly identify this kind of “stinkin’ thinkin’,” a person can then answer the negative thinking back, and refute it. By refuting the negative thinking over and over again, it will slowly diminish overtime and be automatically replaced by more rational, balanced thinking.

COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.

1. FILTERING

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. POLARIZED THINKING (OR “BLACK AND WHITE” THINKING)

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. OVERGENERALIZATION

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us. 

For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. CATASTROPHIZING

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”). 

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.

6. PERSONALIZATION

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. 

A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. CONTROL FALLACIE

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. FALLACY OF FAIRNESS

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should. 

9. BLAMING

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. SHOULDS

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. 

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughtsare also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. EMOTIONAL REASONING

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. FALLACY OF CHANGE

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. GLOBAL LABELING

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves. 

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. ALWAYS BEING RIGHT

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. HEAVEN’S REWARD FALLACY

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Source:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

References:

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapies and emotional disorders. New York: New American Library.

Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. New York: New American Library.

Living with a Narcissist

I recently had the opportunity to correspond with Tina Fuller, author of the book, It's My Turn. In it, she shares the struggles she has experienced growing up with a Narcissistic parent. I believe this is something many people can relate to so I asked her to share a bit of what her book is about. This book can be a helpful resource for those needing guidance in navigating the relationship with these "toxic" individuals. Here is what Tina had to share: 

Tina Fuller can be reached at: tinafuller@mac.com

Be sure to visit Tina's Website and Narcissistic Parent Answers Facebook Page

"It’s My Turn, was written for adult children of narcissists.  It shows you the long-term effects narcissism causes.  Narcissistic behavior patterns and traits are explained in simple and easy to understand terms. There are also suggestions on how to handle interactions with your parent in a way that will be best for you.  It gives you ideas on how to stop the pain, diffuse anger, and avoid future arguments.  It will also show you the effects that a narcissistic parent can have on your life, decisions, self-worth, family and friends.

A narcissist cannot change.  The only thing that changes are their tactics.  What can you do?  You need to change.  Yes, I said you! I know that is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it’s true.  I have created a 4-step program that will explain how. It is called P.A.C.E.  Protect, Accept, Change & Empower.   This will help you to stop the cycle of narcissism, and let the anger go.  If you are unable to let go of the resentment and anger, you will never have peace in your life."

Online Dating - Good or Bad?

Why is Online Dating Addicting?

We want to feel loved. With the click of the button,  we have the ability to browse 1000s of potential ‘love matches’. Each profile, wink, or poke, represents hope and possibility for something more. 

Why is Online Dating Dangerous?

• It has the potential to change the perception of what to look for in a partner? Such as looks, proximity, lack of common interests or values. 
• Texting online tends to set up unrealistic expectations about communication. We tend to take time to craft witty remarks, or google something we don’t know much about. Then when we meet, we are often let down because the wit and personality projected isn’t mirrored in person. 
• Higher expectations about looks, the perfect 10, i.e. Photoshopped 
• We can see people as products rather than people

How to use Online Dating Wisely?

• Before you consider dating or loving another person, learn to love yourself
• Be honest
• Avoid online "shopping." If you meet someone you're interested in, give yourself a chance to get to know this person before browsing for more potential dates. The online dating pool is huge, but you'll never head in the direction of a relationship if you're constantly checking out who else is available.
• Try to take it offline as soon as possible, if there is potential 

Rebound Relationships - Good or Bad?

In a recent study conducted by Queens University and University of Illinois, 313 participants were interviewed following a breakup in order to determine the effect of a rebound relationship. Researchers found that participants who were in rebound relationships had a higher self-esteem, higher dating confidence, and higher confidence with regard to their romantic desirability than their single counterparts. In fact, the quicker the rebound, the higher the degree of perceived psychological health and well-being.

But do rebound relationships only serve as a quick fix? Or do they facilitate lasting happiness? This morning, during an interview with Randi Naughton of Fox 2 News, I discussed my perception of why rebound relationships generally do not work in the long term.  

Rebound Relationships - Good or Bad? Interview Link

Euphoric Stage

In my experience working with couples, I notice at the beginning of relationships, particularly rebound relationships, partners tend to idealize one another and overlook the flaws or incompatibilities they might notice later on. Instead of carefully considering qualities and unique attributes (good and bad) of the other person, someone on the rebound will view their new partner as ‘perfect’.

Previous Relationship Unresolved

By definition, a rebound relationship is one that is initiated before the last one has been resolved. The emotional healing is incomplete. The rebound is a subconscious way of avoiding the difficult feelings such as sadness, hurt, and disappointment, which accompany a breakup. While it is extremely painful, experiencing and understanding these emotions allows for growth and positive change. Stuffing or avoiding feelings only ensures the likelihood of resurfacing feelings in later relationships.

How to Have a Healthy Breakup

1.  Explore the role you played in your previous relationship
2. Take time to understand why the last relationship didn’t work out
3. Consider what you are able to learn and how you can grow from your previous relationship
4. Don’t isolate – reconnect with friends and family
5. Maintain a healthy lifestyle

If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, it is not doomed to fail. Take time to consider the level of commitment you have for one another, and where you see the relationship going. All relationships take work – but if you or your partner is stuck in the past, maybe you aren’t ready for a new commitment.

Creating Your Own Luck

Have you ever known anyone who seemed to catch all the good breaks? They received a promotion at work, they drive a sporty new car, they got a discount on their new phone contract, and now they are bragging about the free drink they got a Starbucks! Is there some magic formula? Studies are showing that luck actually has very little to do with randomness, and more to do with creating favorable opportunities in our environments through our attitude and behavior. Luck is actually an aptitude that can be developed. So that lucky person you were thinking of - they are actually using skills that can be learned, honed, and utilized - you can be lucky too! Today, in an interview with John Pertzborn of Fox 2 News, I discussed five keys to creating your own luck. 

Consider Yourself Lucky - Have a Positive Attitude

People who consider themselves to be lucky actually generate more positive outcomes. That is because positive thinkers are always looking for opportunities to take advantage of. People who exude positive energy are often met with positive responses. 

Take a Break - Refuel Your Batteries

There is nothing wrong with dedication and burning the midnight oil night to get a special project done, on occasion. But if you are consistently lost in your own world due to overwork and stress, it might be time to take a breather. It's important to decompress and refuel your batteries. Health is synonymous with happiness.

Take More Risks - Be Vulnerable

Instead of telling yourself you have no chance in getting the promotion at work, or a date from the girl at the gym; refocus your self-talk into a 'yes you can' type of message. People who consider themselves lucky are strongly motivated to take chances. 

Brush off Failure - Learn From Your Mistakes

People who are lucky realize that there is more than one path to success. Just because it doesn't work out the first time, even the second, or third, there is always something to be learned from our mistakes and failures. Let the negativity roll off your back like water on a duck. You can take the experience as a stumbling block, or a stepping stone. 

Break Familiar Patterns - Don't Get Stuck in a Rut

From time to time, take a break from the ordinary. Try something different and new. People with a relaxed sense of mind tend to be more open to new possibilities and are thus more apt to recognizing fresh potential. Go to a new gym class, try an new coffee shop, but remember to look out for the ways to tap into the resources...You might just get lucky!

Emotional Eating

What is Emotional Eating?

Emotional eating happens when we consume food in response to our emotions rather than to hunger. Many people associate emotional eating with feelings of sadness, loneliness, boredom, or anxiety; however, it is often linked to positive feelings as well. We can subconsciously fall into the trap of eating to numb negative feelings as well as promote good ones. 

In an interview with Kim Hudson, on Fox 2 News, I was able to explain how to be aware of the difference between emotional eating and eating for hunger as well as how to prevent emotional eating from taking over. Usually, emotional hunger feels sudden and urgent, where physical hunger tends to come on gradually. Emotional hunger causes a specific craving, like pizza or chips; physical hunger can generally be satisfied with any food. When we emotionally eat, we tend to eat too much leaving us with feelings of guilt that end up making us feel worse after the temporary 'high' from the food has worn off. 

Why Do We Emotionally Eat?

Emotional eating can be linked to our biology. When we don't get enough sleep or when we are overly stressed, our body produces hormones that cause us to crave fatty, sugary, and high carbohydrate foods. In return, these foods make us feel temporarily alert and excited. 

Numbing negative feelings or maintaining good feelings can be a primary factor for many individuals who emotionally eat. Eating can be distracting, and lots of people find it easier to avoid dealing with difficult emotions with their favorite 'comfort food'. Likewise, food can also be used to maintain or achieve a good feeling. Did you grow up with food symbolizing love or achievement? Perhaps home baked cookies or a big dinner out meant a 'job well done' or 'you are special'. In the way that love is demonstrated through food, we begin to subconsciously believe that we love ourselves through treating ourselves to food we enjoy. The opposite can also be true. We begin to feel that if we ‘deprive’ ourselves from eating a particular food, we are being punished or are somehow unworthy of love. 

To make it harder, the entertainment and media industry are constantly sending false and unhealthy messages about food. It becomes increasingly difficult to make wise, informed decisions about what to put into our bodies. Additionally, as technology has boomed over the last decade with tablets, smart phones, and hand-held gaming devices, we become less able to tolerate boredom and fill the void with food.

How Do We Stop Emotionally Eating?

Thankfully we can break the cycle of emotionally eating. It takes practice and finding creative ways to successfully calm and soothe yourself. 

As a therapist, I use a form a treatment called Cognitive-behavioral therapy to help individuals overcome eating problems such as emotional eating. CBT takes a look at how our thoughts and feelings influence behavior and the triggers behind the emotional eating. Many times people have become so intrenched in negative or irrational thoughts surrounding their triggers, their don't even realize it. It can be helpful to keep a journal to keep track of the times when you notice you are emotionally eating and record the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. By doing this, we begin working to sharpen the awareness to the triggers and reinforce more positive, rational self-talk, resulting in less impulsive behavior.

I also believe it is fundamentally important to support ourselves through healthy lifestyle habits such as exercise, drinking enough water, getting adequate sleep, practicing time management, setting aside time to pamper yourself through a massage or enjoying a cup of tea.

Be sure to check out the story by clicking here!

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Days with less sunlight can be discouraging for some, but what does it mean for someone suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a depressive disorder effecting more than an estimated 10 million Americans yearly? During an interview today with Rebecca Roberts on Fox 2 News, I was able to briefly discuss the main theory behind why SAD has it's grip on so many people. 

During the winter, we experience less sunlight and theories suggest that our circadian rhythm becomes disrupted. What this means is our body's internal clock telling us when to wake up and go to sleep has been altered, thus leading to depressive symptoms. Additionally, our bodies production of melatonin and serotonin can be affected which in turn can negatively influence appetite, sleep, and mood. 

Common signs and symptoms of SAD are feelings of hopelessness, despair, anxiety, guilt, worthlessness, irritability, depressed mood, reduced libido, lethargy, increased appetite, difficulty concentrating, and weight gain. 

If you think you might have SAD there are treatment options available. The easiest thing to do is to spend some time out in the sunlight or near a sunny spot indoors. Phototherapy, a specialized light box, is a common form of treatment with high success. It only requires about 30 minutes a day and on average takes about one week of use for individuals to begin noticing improvement. Also, dedicating time each week to diet and exercise not only has benefits to SAD but overall health and wellbeing. 

To watch the full story about how people in St. Louis are being affected by the winter, Click Here.